


weep for yourself, my man, you'll never be what is in your heart

by wckdroot



Series: river song and her doctor [2]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Multi, Post-Episode: s03e04 Children of Earth - Day 4, Post-Episode: s04e08-09 Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead, Wakes & Funerals, my head canon of Jack and River being best friends is going strong, yes they are my two favourite characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wckdroot/pseuds/wckdroot
Summary: based off a prompt by @bookwerm:Jack Harkness having a talk with the doctor about dealing with grief. Could be eleven, twelve, or thirteen....A tension sprung in both her hearts as she looked around the room. A group gathered wearing black across the balcony where she had promised a happy ever after she could never keep. A group that held one familiar face as it turned to meet her eyes.In a split second, she felt hands grasping at her collar lifting her up and pinning her against the wall."Where the hell were you?!"
Relationships: Jack Harkness & River Song, Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song, Twelfth Doctor/River Song (mentioned), it is just mentioned - Relationship
Series: river song and her doctor [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975666
Comments: 16
Kudos: 72





	weep for yourself, my man, you'll never be what is in your heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BookWerm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookWerm/gifts).



  
The uncontrollable spinning of the TARDIS flung her helplessly around her console. The Doctor was used to her temper tantrums by now, well she should've been after millennia. 

  
But there was a noticeable difference in her recklessness today as complete and utter silence deafened her interior - none of the signature sounds she usually echoed because of the Doctor leaving the breaks on. 

  
Just silence - the only sound the Doctor's groans as another part of the console lodged itself in her ribs.

  
"What's wrong? Come on, what's going on 'ay?"

  
A shudder travelled through the room, the only indication that they'd stopped. She pulled herself from where she had been protectively splayed across the console and straightened her bowtie - her and Yaz had been playing spies again before she had dropped her back home, this time a few centuries later at an art gallery.

  
"Let's see what's got you all quiet." 

  
The Doctor swung the door open to only come face to face with another much larger oak door. What was it with her and ending up in the closet? 

  
As soon as she entered through the door her ears were met with a haunting melody. It was the same song that had sung her and her wife to sleep for twenty-four years, it was the last song she had ever wanted to hear again.

  
It was definitely Darillium, the air tasted the same and the gravity pulled her the same even after she had lost six inches in height. She had also imprinted the view in her memory forever, the only difference was that River's silhouette was missing and it hadn't been there for a long time.

  
A tension sprung in both her hearts as she looked around the room. A group gathered wearing black across the balcony where she had promised a happy ever after she could never keep. A group that held one familiar face as it turned to meet her eyes. 

  
In a split second, she felt hands grasping at her collar lifting her up and pinning her against the wall.

  
"Where the hell were you?!"

  
Jack Harkness barked as he pushed her further, rabid anger in his eyes that the Doctor had never seen before. What had she missed now?

  
"Hey, hey! Jack, it's me. It's the Doc-"

  
"Doctor, you don't know do you?"

  
"Know what Jack? Can you put me down so we can talk 'bout this?"

  
"You were her husband or wife _or whatever_ and you didn't even care enough come to her funeral."

  
His grip relaxed allowing her feet to drop to the floor, pulling away to hide the tears in his eyes as she stood there solemnly. The Doctor didn't dare to search around the room, but curiosity really did kill the cat, and her hearts sunk as her eyes locked with the portrait of River, framed between the Towers as mourners wallowed.

  
It was the same photograph that had sat upon the desk in her office for all those years. Her last face used to sit there for hours having all the conversations they never had, all the apologies, all the 'I _hate you/No you don't_ 's and all the ' _I love you_ 's that he had been too cowardly to say.

  
"Really Doctor, this a brand of selfishness I never thought I'd see on you again. I totally understand you find it easier to run away and to believe we don't exist when you are not around but I thought you’d be better after losing all you have. River was your wife, for God’s sake.”

  
Her ears rung at his words. 

  
He had a right to be angry, Jack and River were best friends, had been since the moment they'd met. River had lovingly recalled their scandalous heists to their meaningful moments, their love for each other was something enviable to anyone but the Doctor, who just cherished the smile on River's face as she spoke about her closest friend.

  
The Doctor's problem was that it was hard to argue with the truth. 

  
She had run away, it was what she was good at - she was actually quite brilliant at it.

  
"Are you even going to try and defend yourself? Try and justify why you leave Doctor, why you left her?"

  
"There's not anything I can say that will make it okay, Jack. I'm not good, I'm selfish and it hurts me to see them just become another gravestone in a very long line and I still know that that isn't an excuse."

  
"You didn’t even think to wonder who had pulled her lifeless body from that library, I carried her out of there Doctor. You just trapped her in another prison and went on your way, not thinking about after, never thinking about what you leave behind." 

  
She looked on at his heaving chest and chose to ignore the crack in his voice as he shouted. 

  
"You were her goddamn universe Doctor, was she yours?”

  
Silent still, she watched as Jack stormed out of view but not before grabbing the bottle of Aldebaran brandy from the bar. Not wanting to leave him alone, she hastily followed behind calling his name however it fell on deaf ears.

  
As the Doctor rounded the corner, she saw his hunched figure as he sat upon the stairs swigging from the bottle. She quickly took a seat beside him as Jack continued to stare at the ground. 

  
"Did you forget about her, Doctor?"

  
"Never." 

  
He looked at her now, his eyes obviously searching for some form of justification.

  
"River will always be with me. Every moment with her, every tear, every bit of laughter will always be with me. But we honour her, we honour everyone we have loved by keeping going, planets keep turning and our hearts keep beating - no matter how heavy they are Jack."

  
"You know, you sound just like her. After... Ianto, she- _she_ stayed with me for a few weeks. Took me all over time and space, let me cry on her shoulder and gave me every moment to grieve. She would come with me every year, no matter what, to his grave because she knew I wasn't strong enough to go on my own. That was how I knew she was gone."

  
Jack reached into his suit pocket and pulled out two identical envelopes before continuing,

  
"I had called her a few times but she wouldn't answer me. Our timelines were obviously a bit screwed up but I knew she was going to the Library, I was the one who told her to fucking go there. Then a man came up to me and handed me a letter, said it was from River Song then disappeared. Turns out, she had planned for her eventual death and had asked for the letters to be sent out to her next of kin which happened to be me."

  
He offered the Doctor the letter, their teary eyes briefly locking. She slowly opened it, she had read and reread River's diary so many times, to have just any new words from her simultaneously comforted yet terrified her.

  
_Sweetie,_

  
_If you're receiving this, the TARDIS probably thought it was time my love._

_I'm writing this on the eve of our departure from Darillium, you're finally asleep but you're crying and shouting my name as you have done for the past few nights. I don't want to leave you like that, without hope and upset. I don't want you to be angry, I want you to be kind and I want you to keep loving Doctor, because I more than any, know you're capable of so much love._

_I know Darillium will be the last time I see you so I am at peace with whatever death has become me. A life without you, my sentimental idiot, just isn't enough. I guess this makes this my final farewell to you, I better make it a good one._

_Know that when I died, I was happy. I know I was happy because I have had Darillium, my adventures, my work, my parents and my friends - I guess you were a bonus too ;)_

_I can offer you no comfort from my grave, I understand that I may just become another face in that memory of yours. It would be cruel of me to ask you to forget about me, our star-crossed tale wouldn't allow it. So I ask you to remember._

_Remember our love. Remember our anger._

_Learn from us, my madman, that not every road is easy and that not everything needs to happen right at the moment to be worthy._

_Cherish every friendship. Cherish any love you find after._

_I don't know what awaits me in my death, I have never really been a believer in anything. Maybe there is a heaven but I'm not very likely for that one now, am I my love? Maybe there is a hell, like a prison for my mind. There might just be nothing but that doesn't bother me much. The silence could be nice for once._

_You're waking up, so alas this must come to an end. I think it is my duty as your much more sensible other half to remind you that time cannot be rewritten. No matter how sentimental or saddened you are, not us, not one line._

_I guess there are no more spoilers for you now._

_Goodbye Sweetie._

_Yours forever,_  
_River Song x_

  
The Doctor's tears fell upon the lipstick mark that had been pressed against the page. Her finger swiped them away, willing them to not stain the paper. Even after all the time away from River, her perfume still lingered against the letter and the only thing the Doctor could do was to cry more.

  
She felt Jack's hand reassuringly fall upon her shoulder. His tears freely flowed as well, whether it was about River, Ianto or every other person who he had lost or maybe all of them at once, she didn't know. 

  
"You know she would not shut up about Darillium. It was the happiest I had ever seen her and that sadness in her eyes that was always there wasn't so noticeable. It was always the Doctor this, the Doctor that, the last few times I spoke to her."

  
His subtle laughter and attempt at reassurance was quickly shut off by the Doctor's angered voice,

  
"I knew it was the end when I took her there. _I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TAKEN HER, SHE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE!_ " 

  
The Doctor suddenly stood up, grabbed the brandy and angrily threw it at the floor, the pair watched as it smashed easily against the ground. Jack reached for her hand, which she surprisingly took, as he guided her back down to sit beside him.

  
"Doctor, you had too. River didn't want you to change her past even if it was your future and she trusted you enough to ask that even though she knew you had the power too. You respected that because you loved her, you loved her didn't you?"

  
She smiled for the first time since she had landed there, even if it was a smile full of sadness and more like a grimace.

  
"I have loved River for over a thousand years, and I will love her and carry her with me till the moment I get to die."

  
Jack lifted his arm around her shoulders, the Doctor took comfort in his half embrace as she kept the letter clutched in her hand in front of them.

  
The pair of old friends sat staring into the darkness, both of them haunted by the loss of their loves. 

  
_"It's okay. It's not over for you. You'll see me again. You've got all of that to come. You and me, time and space. You watch us run."_

  
_"A thousand year's time you won't remember me."_

  
And how they had run and how Jack would never forget.

  
That was the Doctor and Jack's shared curse, losing everything but living to remember that loss forever. 

  
"Carrying them with us, I guess that makes them immortal."

  
"I guess it does, Jack."

**Author's Note:**

> BookWerm, i hope i have done your suggestion justice, it let me please my headcanon of River and jack supremacy and also let me get angsty which I like :)
> 
> i haven't watched torchwood in a while so sorry if anything about them is inaccurate but I knew I couldn't do an entire one-shot with jack's grief without mentioning ianto :( 
> 
> i also definitely spiralled and got sad about river being dead so sorry <3
> 
> kudos + comments are appreciated and leave any suggestions below or give me them on tumblr whatever you wish!! <3
> 
> @timegirlfriends on tumblr  
> @wckdroot on twitter
> 
> and some shameless self-promo here, check out my multichapter fic if you haven't already and feel like it, it is called crying lightning, is very gay and has river and jack as the best friends they are and the doctor being helplessly in love with river :)


End file.
